Excalibur - what's new in the world of crap?

Excalibur - rubbish for all occasions

If there is one thing that the BNP can be relied upon for, it is that it embraces the grotesque in the guise of patriotism, and nowhere is this more apparent than in the catalogue of disasters that is the Excalibur stock list.

For some strange reason (possibly to do with the recent full moon), I found myself perusing the delightful 'What's New' section at the Excalibur site. It was rather like stepping into Harrods - everything was gaudy, overpriced and on many levels deeply offensive. Yet there is a compulsion to go on looking and a feeling akin to that you had when you were a kid and you picked at a scab on your knee. You know it's going to hurt, it's certainly not going to get any better and yet the lure of mingled pain and revulsion is irresistable.

Bizarrely, I expected Excalibur to have made some small concessions to the possibility that non-whites may have suffered a complete mental collapse and joined up after the recent rule change that finally allows them to become members of the party that has been slagging them off and lying about them for years. I was disappointed (though not entirely unexpectedly). The white mug is still there, as is the 'Golly Collection'. And the interminable (and terminally boring) tomes by Arthur Kemp, proving over and over again that the white man is superior in every way to anyone anywhere of any other colour ever, so there.

The white man - in the form of the third-rate market-stall trader Arthur Kemp - is certainly superior in stocking cheap crap for his gullible bargain-hunting customers to waste their hard-earned readies on. Here's an example, and I make no apologies to the companies who produce this rubbish (which, I'm told, are Chinese).

Tudor Educational Colouring Postcards A set of 4 colouring postcards with Tudor images on the front and a postcard design on the reverse with educational information. Each pack is supplied with 6 [very short] pencils.

There's far worse. Last year's Red, White and Blue, the BNP's annual piss-up and golly-burning weekend, was a disaster for the party. Even though it was the tenth RWB and was much publicised in party bulletins, it was poorly attended and, we're told, lost a great deal of money. It was also met by a massive demonstration by anti-fascists. Thus, the party is still trying to flog off all the T-shirts and badges it couldn't find buyers for at the RWB, nearly a year later. Free badge or not - it's still shite.

Special Offer: RWB 2009 T-Shirt and Badge
£10 Size Small Buy both official RWB 2009 T-Shirt and Badge together for just £10 postage and packaging included.

Naturally, the What's New section of Excalibur has books about Spitfires, Vikings, the evils of multi-culturalism - and an idea they nicked from us and our Yearbook - Headline: The Best of BNP News. Cheeky buggers. But tat and tackiness win the day, and this little delight should win a prize for the ghastliest piece of merchandise seen this year.

Union Jack Tie A smart tie containing a pattern made up of Union flags. Eyecatching.

Eye-watering, certainly. The worst is, however, reserved for last. In the interests of, no doubt, welcoming non-whites into the party, the BNP greets them with what can only be construed as a not so subtle warning should Nick Griffin ever become Queen.

Queen Elizabeth I's Blackamoore Expulsion Order It is not widely known that between 1596 and 1601, Queen Elizabeth I ordered the expulsion of all non-indigenous Third World people, whom she called "blackamoores" from Britain. Now, for the first time ever, Excalibur is proud to exclusively offer reproductions of the original expulsion orders...Both original handwritten orders have been reproduced in full on fine quality thick paper, suitable for framing or display.

Why? Why would anyone be 'proud' to offer a reproduction of an expulsion order for blacks, even if it is four hundred years old? Only a complete moron would want to have such a thing framed and hanging in his home and only a party that is unrepentantly and blatantly racist to the core would ever dream of selling such garbage.

What's new in Excalibur's world of crap? Not a lot really - but it certainly is all crap.