Calling All Bigots: The Daily Mail Comments Boards Need You!

So. You want to join the online army of the Far-Right and aid the BNP blog, do you? Well, such a noble enterprise is a big commitment.

Some of you on the Far-Right will have jobs, however, and simply cannot spare the long minutes needed to create something so majestic and eponymous as the Green Arrow site. No. Mere mortals – possibly with only a passing interest in fascistic bigotry as a lifestyle choice – have to set your sights lower.

Have you considered the Daily Mail Comments Boards as an entry-level introduction to the wonderful world of petty-minded racist imbecility?

As a budding numbskull, you will possibly be a reader of the Daily Mail, already. Its comforting blend of film stars with cellulite (for which they must be roundly condemned), gentle nostalgia for The Good Old Days When You Could Leave Your Front Door Open And Teenagers Didn't Go Round Stabbing Each Other On Their Facebooks, allied to a reassuring lack of too much actual “News”, has found favour with the ill-educated since the days of Moseley (sterling chap, by the way, and just the sort of no-nonsense politician Britain needs today...).

On the internet (or “t'internet”, as you amusingly call it, ever since you saw that hilarious – and CLEAN – family entertainer Peter Kay do his routine) you can not merely read all the stories of the print edition; you can COMMENT ON THEM, ALSO!

Imagine! YOU can pass ill-informed, kneejerk judgement on the Issues Of The Day! YOUR baseless witterings will be there for ALL THE WORLD TO SEE!

That'll show 'em, eh?

But first, you need to understand a few basic ground rules.

The most important is this: Regardless of how much damage the current Government do with regards to the economy, public services, foreign relations and the general wellbeing of the Nation, everything (wherever possible) remains the fault of the previous Government for at least the next two years. The previous Government will, at all times, be referred to in your comments as “LIEbour”, “Liebore”, “Nu-Labour” and “Za-Nu Labour”. (The appellation “Za-Nu Liebore” is something of a philological stretch, and should only really be used by the more experienced utter twat. Don't worry – you'll get there one day!)

The current Regime should be referred to as “LibLabCon” or “ConDem”.

Remember: You should NEVER admit to being a member of the BNP. In fact, we find that an active DENIAL of membership or support will allow you to get away with even more outrageous buffoonery (in much the same way as anyone who begins a statement with the words “I'm no racist, but...” is very probably still pining for the Good Old Days Of The Wehrmacht).

By way of practice, why not try copying these statements out fifty times each:

“I'm not a supporter of the BNP, but if the Marxist elite ever allowed them to form a Government it would surely usher in a new Golden Age of peace and prosperity for all in our once-great Nation.”

“I have no time for Nick Griffin, but anyone can see that he would rule with exactly the sort of iron fist that this country needs.”

See? It's easy!

Now then: What story to pass comment upon? There are three categories of Daily Mail story involved in this. I suggest you start with Category One – the Nursery Slopes of commentary.

Category One includes all those pieces which bear a direct relation to BNP policy. Something about Asylum Seekers crossing the Channel in a lorry can easily be appended with something lazy and obvious.

“These “people” are criminals – let them drown!” says “Mr Brown”

“WE MUST BRING THE ARMY BACK FROM AFGHANISTAN AND POST THEM AT DOVER WITH THE ORDERS SHOOT TOO KILL! NOW!” adds “Force Five”. (Special note – using capitals makes your post appear more important and will draw the Reader's eyes away from any grammatical errors.)

As you can well see, Category One stories are almost too easy a target. After a short time learning the basics, however, you should be ready for the move to Category Two: Those stories and articles which can be related to the BNP mindset, but it takes a little more work.

A story about a comparison between the standards of living in France and Britain, for example. Not, at first glance, something the average Online Warrior might have much interest in, but look!

“I would like to leave Britain to all the riff raff from the Eastern block countries and elsewhere! No! Rather ship them all out and stay here! Soon it will be a case of SPOT THE ENGLISHMAN!!” says “Teacher”. Beautifully done; notice how “Teacher” begins to advance one argument before dramatically reversing His/Her position and ending on an hilarious punchline. Certainly a Master of the craft in the making.

Category Three, however, should be left to the truly expert. These are the stories with, seemingly, no conceivable bearing on BNP policy or concerns. To the True Master, however, there is NO SUCH THING as a story which cannot be turned into an opportunity for simple-minded bigotry.

Take this piece, for example: A genuinely tragic story concerning a double suicide. Surely, one might think, no-one could possibly get away with scoring cheap xenophobic points off something as awful as this? But no...

“Anyone wondering why this is happening isn't living in the real world” says “Oliver”. He continues: “competition from taxpayer-funded foreigners is excruciating...What will eventually happen is a breakdown of civilisation...that will be the end of government in the UK.”

A work of genius. To move so effortlessly from a story of personal tragedy to an apocalyptic vision of future anarchy brought about by “foreigners” is truly masterful.

Such a towering cretin surely has a glittering future among the ranks of the BNP.

So Has that fired you with enthusiasm? Go on then – sign up for the Daily Mail Comments Board and you, too, can show yourself as the confused, narrow-minded, bigoted bile-dribbler that you undoubtedly are!

Good luck – and remember: Although the Boards claim to be moderated, ANYTHING will get through!