There's a rumour afoot that Griffin intends to muscle his way into the standing in Oldham and Saddleworth if it turns out that there will be a By-Election resulting from Phil Woolas being turfed out of his seat.
Lancaster Unity can now (thanks to our highly sophisticated, deep-cover network of Moles and MI5-sponsored Informants), exclusively reveal the first draft of Cyclops' Patented Multi-Use Election Address...
To the Voters of (Kieghley / Barking & Dagenham / Oldham East).
(Delete Where Applicable)
Fellow Patriots:
As a proud (Yorkshireman / Cockney / Mancunian), born and bred, it has long been a cherished ambition of mine to represent the good people of (Kieghley / Barking & Dagenham / Oldham East) at a Parliamentary level.
Many's the night I have whiled away with an excellent pint of (Theakstons / Fullers / Hydes), after a tasty dinner of (Yorkshire Pudding and Wensleydale / Eel Pie and Mash / Lancashire Hotpot and Barm Cakes); perhaps leading my fellow (Yorkshiremen / Cockneys / Mancunians) in a rousing chorus of (“On Ilkla Moor Baht 'At” / “Maybe It's Because I'm A Londoner” / “Wonderwall”) to end the evening.
Wearing my (Flat Cap / Pearly Suit / Donnay Leisurewear), I will often stroll over the (Moors / Docklands / Canal Towpaths), pondering the great questions: “What can I do to help my fellow (Tykes / Cockneys / Mancunians)?”, or “How can I make (Kieghley / Barking & Dagenham / Oldham East) a better place?”, and “How much do my fellow (Tykes / Cockneys / Mancunians) earn, and what are they worth in terms of disposable income and potential donations?”.
As busy as I am, I occasionally get the chance to watch an episode of my favourite Soap Opera; (“Emmerdale” / “Eastenders” / “Coronation Street”), and I find myself wondering “How would (Alan Turner / Ian Beale / Ken Barlow) react to the current state of things in (Kieghley / Barking and Dagenham / Oldham East)?” And I find myself picturing his exclaiming (“By 'Eck!” / “Gor Blimey!” / “Skennin' like a whelk!)” at the picture of a damaged, neglected and Islamificationalised (Kieghley / Barking and Dagenham / Oldham East) spread before them.
Then I like to think of how I, Nicholas Horatio Steerforth Ironsides Griffin, can help, and my thoughts leap immediately to the Voters of (Kieghley / Barking and Dagenham / Oldham East), and how their (Yorkshire Nouse / East End Spirit of the Blitz / Mancunian Generosity) can best contribute to my (Campaign to Save Yorkshire / Campaign to Save the East End / Pension Plan).
There is hope, so long as you vote for me in the forthcoming Election. My solemn pledge to you is this: Make me your MP and my inherent (Yorkshire Grit / Cockney Wiles / Mancunian Ducking and Diving) will ensure a great future for (Kieghley / Barking and Dagenham / Me).
Andy may be jolly amusing but his geography is appalling - Thurrock is in Essex, not Yorkshire!
ReplyDeleteI think he meant Keighley where Griffin stood in 2005.
ReplyDeleteOwned! Sorry about the appalling geography!
ReplyDeleteIn mitigation, I was reading about Emma Colgate resigning the whip in Thurrock, and it must've stuck in my head...
Also, Oldham has "Yonners" not Mancunians!
ReplyDeleteAlas, in your haste to correct the post, you have spelt Keighley wrong every single time it is written....
ReplyDeleteIs the consistent mis-spelling of Keighley (not Kieghley) an error, or a parody of the BNP's incompetence?
ReplyDeleteOh - and if you're going to describe the good people of Oldham and Saddleworth Mancunians, don't do it within their hearing! (Especially since parts of the constituency were historically in Yorkshire!)
But a very good article!
Griffin will have to stand in Oldham. He hopes his "fame" and name recognition will get a half-decent vote. It's essentially a one-man-band now.
ReplyDeleteIf the BNP get anything below 6% then he, and his party, could well be fucked. High single digits minimum.
"Nicholas Horatio Steerforth Ironsides Griffin"
ReplyDeletePerfect. :)
I have heard a whisper that the NF will contest iot as well.
ReplyDeleteI hope griffin is as 'successful' here as he was in Barking and Dagenham :-)
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'll come clean...
ReplyDeleteThis is just my attempt to demonstrate that the Far-Right don't have the monopoly on illiterate dimwits.
(99.9% isn't a monopoly.)
Wot a lot of "grumpy" old men, seems our readers could do with a humour transplant.
ReplyDeleteJust a word to the wise, Barking & Dagenham is always wrongly massed in with East London, when its postal address is Essex.
Just off topic, glancing through various papers today came across an interesting article on Fergie, Sarah Ferguson, not the football manager.
It seems she has been taking financial advice from Jim Dowson, a letter has gone out to all of her creditors, probably as many as the BNP, stating a once in a life time offer, they either accept a settlement of 25p in the £ or nothing at all.
The sting in the tail is that all of the creditors have to accept it or the deal is off the table.
I wonder if this would work with Barclaycard?
tulip