My New Year Resolutions...

Hello again.

A bit late, I know, but it's that time, once again, when we're supposed to come up with New Year's Resolutions.

Given that I've generally given up on such bold pledges by the 5th, and have shamefacedly reverted to smoking/ drinking too much coffee/ eating junk food/ paying good money to see 200 million dollar movies with a “2” or a “3” after the title, I worked out that by applying the simple method of launching my Resolutions a few days later at least they'll make it a touch further into 2011 before being ditched.

(God, I need a fag.)

Those Resolutions in Full...

I Will Not Pick On Easy Targets

The likes of Green Arrow and his dwindling bunch of “Kinsmen” have given the world more innocent laughter at their hilarious hi-jinks and idiotic tomfoolery than the combined efforts of Boris Johnson, the England Football Team and anyone who's ever been on the X Factor.

They recently even took to debating the identity of the Antichrist, for (Anti) Christ's sake. (And of course they were all entirely wrong: Any scholar worth their salt will tell you that Biblical, Talmudic, Apocryphal and astrological references all point clearly to the ancient prophecy of George Osborne as being He Who Is Destined To Hold Sway Over The Hellish Realm.)

The steady decline in Morris' fortunes, as his old coterie of writers desert him to be replaced by a succession of escapees from the Acute Ward, is to be welcomed, sure; but it's not like he's regarded as anything other than a joke by anyone, on either side of the debate.

And it's not just him: I hereby resolve to lay off other easy targets. I will even lay off my local idiot – Maria ("Shaydee_Lady") Riley-Ward – whose contribution to her Party's cause is a dismal cut n' paste of Daily Mail articles, undiluted white supremacy and barking mad, tinfoil helmeted paranoia about flouride. I won't even bother pointing out that her recent idea of "helping" the BNP's public image (she's been a regular candidate, after all) was to post a video of “Hitler's Political Testament”. Much like being saddled with having Michael Gove as your spokesman for Education (or, in fact, anything), there are some people you just wouldn't want on your side in an argument.

(Anyone got a fag?)

I Will No Longer Read The British Democracy Forum

Of course, this one may last about as long as Simon (“The Man Who Cost The BNP The General Election Landslide That Surely Would Have Been Theirs”) Bennett, who recently made great show of “resigning” from the Forum having been caught out making a typically bizarre series of threats to another Member, only to return, under a cunning new identity, a short while later. (Note to Self: Include Bennett in the one about Easy Targets. Just about the only way to get an easier laugh than mentioning the self-styled Cornish Sage would be to sing an amusing song about Gillian McKeith while dressed as a clown. And then fall over.)

I Will Continue To Ignore The BFP

As will everyone.

(Hang on-there's half a pack of Gitanes around here somewhere...)

I Will Get Up To Oldham For A Day Of Leafleting

That way, when the BNP are (inevitably) humiliated on the 13th, I'll be able to imagine that it was all down to me. In much the same way as I've always held the fond belief that it was the two hours I spent on a picket outside South Africa House in 1988 that later caused Apartheid to crumble. (And the really galling part is that I never got so much as a thankyou card from Nelson Mandela...)

I Will Stop Using Griffin's Disability For Cheap Laughs

Why refer to his having one eye? There have, after all, been some terrific people with one eye: Nelson, Claude Rains, Sammy Davies Jr, James Thurber, Hannibal, Tex Avery, Peter Falk, John Ford... No. It cannot stand. No more on the “one eye” stuff.

Not when there's the begging letters, the weight, the lying, the cheating, the begging letters, the finances, the accounts, the nervous tics, the begging letters, the Pooterish image and the general fact that the man is so relentlessly full of shit that he normally resembles a septic tank with a haircut.

So. Those are my Resolutions.

And this time I'll stick to them.

Expect normal service to be resumed by this time next week.

(Ahh – Sweet, sweet, French tobacco...)