Go On Denise - PLEASE Let Me Call It "Kebabgate"...

Now there's a Celebrity Endorsement you could live without...

In the heyday of British Variety there was a perennial bottom-of-the-bill known only as “He Can Take Any Punishment!”

For almost thirty years, this mysterious masked man would invite members of the audience to punch, slap, kick, gouge, scratch and generally abuse him while he remained entirely impassive. And whistled a merry tune. For ten minutes, twice nightly.

It was truly a Golden Age of family entertainment, right?

Today, the only people you'll ever come across with such a capacity for relentless punishment are the BNP Faithful.

They'll happily take whatever is dished out to them. Lied to. Ripped off. Kept in the dark. Lied to again. Told to hand over even more of their money. Suspended on a whim. Lied to yet again (but really badly this time). Driven to the nearest cashpoint and ordered to hand over their PIN number. Expelled.

And still they just stand there and take it. Whistling.

It seems there's nothing left for their Party Leaders to try that will actually annoy these people.

But now, Griffin has managed it.

What's he done? Has he finally lost it and mugged a pensioner? Kicked a kitten? Announced that he's joining Nation of Islam and wishes to be known henceforth as Brother Nicholas X?

No. Last night – I'm sorry to report – Mr Nicholas Montgomery Falstaff Churchill Bader Griffin, MEP, Tweeted that he'd bought a kebab.

The reaction from his Facebook Chums was immediate, confused and seismic.

A “Chris Spring” set the ball rolling with “...what? Kebab shop that serves HALAL?”

“Jackie Dunn” was swift to register her dismay. “not a kebab surely???”

And “Charlie White” spoke for many: “Standards r slippin nick”. (Of English, Charlie?)

“Terry Fleming”, riding to the rescue armed with a potential Get Out Of Jail Card for his Leader, opines “Kebab ??? Have you been fraped or what?” (“Frape”, for anyone over 16, is “Facebook Rape” - someone else posting things on your Facebook or Twitter account after you've forgotten to log out.)

But Nick doesn't bite - (He's already coping with a mouthful of delicious, spicy, mechanically recovered connective tissue, remember) – and things quickly escalate.

“your a bawbag if you go into kebab shops,why don,t you quit right now.” says “Neil Mcivor”.

The idea of anyone on his Facebook list calling openly for the Dear Leader to quit is unprecedented. The fact that someone would actually call him a “bawbag” to his face(book) has to be up there with Old Testament miracles.

And no. I don't know what a “bawbag” is. I bet it's horrid, though.

“We should be asking nick if it was halal meet?? So nick, was it?” asks Charlie; clearly hoping against hope that it isn't true.

So was it, Nick? Your Membership demand to be told!

The Accounts? They're not bothered! IRA Supporters on the Party Payroll? Pish! The mysterious disappearing Truth Truck? Who cares! Two years without a win? A mere detail! The Party disintegrating faster than a Lego hand grenade?

No-one could care less.

But say you fancy a Doner and you could have the Membership storming Welshpool like the Winter Palace. (Or possibly - given Griffin's lifestyle and manner - more like Peter Ustinov getting his come-uppance in “Quo Vadis”.)

Best stick to Pie and Mash (Double. With extra Liquor.) in future...


Edit As a few of the comments have been deleted from Griffin's Facebook page, here is a screengrab I took last night.