September 17, 2009

BNP wants to hang criminals live on TV – secret television schedule discovered on Welsh pig farm

6.00. Early Morning Noose: Catch up on all the important overnight hangings.

7.00. Good Morning Bigots: Presented by popular comedy duo Dave and Mark. This morning: Book cooking for beginners. KKKrafters KKKorner: Mark shows how to design BNP election leaflets using pictures of Italians and Americans. Romantics Rendevouz: Dave and Mark show how easy it is to smuggle under-age girls into your hotel room. Also includes Lee’s Legal Advice Surgery: today “Ten f*cking reasons why the BNP isn’t racist despite what the fuzzy-wuzzies say.” Tomorrow: “Why the moon landings, 9/11 attacks, 1066 and Simon Darby’s blog were faked by The Jews. It’s really f*cking creepy, man.” Friday: “What to do when you when you find yourself incarcerated in a padded cell.”

9.00. The Andrew Marr Show: Hard-hitting journalist Andrew Marr gets to the bottom of why BNP President For Life Nick Griffin is such a nice guy. “We’ve heard the stories,” says Andrew, “but how true is it that Mr Griffin likes little puppy dogs and will go out of his way to help a distressed sheep? We investigate!” Includes film of Nick Griffin tickling the tummy of a puppy dog and going out of his way to help a distressed sheep after saving the life of a cute little bunny rabbit while on his way to visit an orphanage.

10.00. The Jeremy Piles Show: “I’m not in MI5,” says Simon, but Dick Barnbrook is suspicious and demands a DNA test. Tomorrow: “I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic,” says Lee. Friday: “I am a paranoid schizophrenic,” says Lee.

11.00. Farming Today: A Welsh pig farmer shows you how to survive the recession by running your very own political party. “It’s the best thing I ever did,” says wily Nick, trousering a wad of notes. “I just send a few emails and the money comes rolling in. Fantastic!”

12.00. Angler’s KKKorner: Find out which members of the Advisory Council are sleeping with the fishes.

12.45. Lunchtime Noose. Find out which members of the Advisory Council are next.

1.00. The AntiKKKes Roadshow: Dust off that old Nazi memorabilia and bring it along for a valuation. You’ll be surprised how much that old letter expelling you from the BNP is worth!

2.00. Women’s Hour. Presented by Lynne Mozar and Marlene Guest. Today Lynne explains the various uses of the word “Paki”, while Marlene goes to Dachau to explore the roots of modern cosmetic dentistry.

3.00. CBNPTV – including: The Billy Brit Show (replaces The Sooty Show); followed by Blue Peter: Aunty Val and Uncle John show you how to make your very own working concentration camp out of a Corn Flake packet and an empty margerine tub. You’ll need plenty of glue for this, children. Next week Val and John show you how to make your very own cattle trucks so that you can transport your very own prisoners to your very own concentration camp on your very own home-made Death Railway, so have your scissors and double-sided sticky tape ready.

4.00. Record Breakers: Today, members of the Young BNP break the late Lily Allen’s records.

5.00. Nooseround.

5.15. Strange Hill: School-based drama. Last week a shocked Nick and Simmo discovered that one of their teachers had a black girlfriend and asked new boy Bob Cottage for help. This week, as the school rebuilding project gets underway, Nick and Simmo discover that their English teacher is both gay and Jewish and seek advice from first-formers Dave Copeland and Tony Cucumber.

6.00. Evening Noose - public hangings from around Britiain.

6.30. Regional Noose - public hangings from places of interest in your area. Includes local weather forecast.

7.00. History Today: In this edition we visit some of Britain’s best known graveyards to find out who’s been history since the BNP took power.

7.30. KKKoronation Street: All is not well in the Racist’s Return as Nick suspects Christian of plotting against him (violence and language caution).

8.00. Wild Down Under: Absorbing documentary from Australia all about wildlife in Sydney’s Sutherland Shire. Watch the desperate efforts of the Hodges Dingbat as it attempts to stuff 500 nuts into its pouch. Also features rare footage of the endangered Hanson’s Bigot.

8.30. World In Faction: Current affairs programme on the political life of Nick Griffin. Part 45: “The National Front Years: Disaster strikes” - Patrick Harrington joins the National Front.

9.00. Build A New Life In The Sun: Ahmed doesn’t want to leave his comfortable Oldham home, but some men with shaven heads try to persuade him otherwise. Will Ahmed choose sunny Pakistan or a rope around the neck?

10.00. Noose at Ten

10.30. Noosenight: Tonight, Kirsty Wark and Jeremy Paxman get theirs. Includes interview with a Very Important Benefits Claimant and Fake Trade Union Leader, plus a review of tomorrow’s noosepapers.

11.00. Spooks: Episode 643, “Those demmed blecks”. Arthur’s cunning plan to infiltrate his ex-wife into the antifascist movement has been rumbled. An angry Bep tells Arthur he should have remembered that email headers give the game away. Caution: contains very strong Serth Efricen eccents (subtitled).

12.00 Epilogue – presented by his Holiness the Archbishop of Holbeach, the Reverend West. Tonight, “Why God says it’s okay to hate darkies” Tomorrow: “Why God says it’s okay to hang antifascist bastards”. Friday: “Why God says it’s okay to love Odin but not darkies or antifascist bastards.” Next week: “Why Odin says ‘There is no God but if there was he would say it’s okay to hate darkies and hang antifascist bastards (and the scum who never voted for me in Norwich North)’.”

1.00. BNPTV Noose 24 - overnight hangings live from Hampstead Heath. Includes Market Report from the Hong Kong Stock Exchange.

Norfolk Unity


R. Bumbrook. said...


As long as its not 'top of the pops with Joey Smith' or 'Nazis go dancing'

Hexapla said...

This is fucking genius!!!!!!!!!!! LOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL

Anonymous said...

Funnily enough Barnes was calling for the execution of Zionists, Drug Trafficers & dealers (& anyone else who disagree's with him)in some of his more recent posts.

Did anyone see his 'modest proposal' to 'deal' with heroin addicts? Crazy


Antifascist said...

Absolutely excellent. :-)

Barbara said...

This is great!

Anonymous said...

Why no mention of Jim Davidson and Chalky White Live, Bernard 'there was this Paki and this Mick walking down the road' Manning or A History Of Britain by Garry Bushell?

Jamie The Antifascist said...


Nice one m8

Bet Griffin would be on the front of every radiotimes issue too (a reminiscent of that painted portrait that you can buy from excalibur)

Marianne said...

"Funnily enough Barnes was calling for the execution of Zionists, Drug Trafficers & dealers (& anyone else who disagree's with him)in some of his more recent posts."

Hanging, on TV or otherwise, seems not to be his preferred method though. Recently he devoted one of his awful poems to how he would burn criminals, bound and gagged, in a Wicker Man.

Radyo Lisna said...



Wes said...

You forgot the very strictly dancing hour with Dicky.


Watchadog comsumer advice with JL Barnes

But otherwise rofl! :)

Madame Whiplash said...

They're also very keen on caning, spanking and French lessons given by a strict disciplinarian like myself.

GG said...

Anyone know what's happening in Leeds with the banning of the EDL Casuals hooligan punch-up?????????

NewsHound said...

EDL Casuals Update

NewsHound said...

Latest anti-Nazi news from Manchester: -

Shame about all of the neo-Nazi troll comments that follow this article.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant Ketlan. Take a bow :-)

tone luck said...

Sadly Northern Indymedia (who took over from Leeds Indymedia, seem only concerned with music and the arts, and not anti-fascism.

There is nothing on their blog...

...about the EDL Casuals coming to Leeds, asking people to contact the council or the police.

You used to be able to rely upon Indymedia, especially in the North of England to campaign on anti-racism and anti-fascism causes, but it's a fuckin' sad day that Northern Indymedia seems to be more concerned with a small-town band playing it's farewell gig than the protection of a city from neo-Nazi football hooligans

Pete Green said...

Brilliant stuff. This kind of piss-take is excellent. You guys just keep on getting better.

Antifascist said...

'Brilliant Ketlan. Take a bow :-)'

I should be so talented. This one's straight from our mates at Norfolk Unity, so all kudos go to them. :-)

Karen said...

Very good! Even if I was part of the joke!

Karen Mills (Kemp's EX)

Anonymous said...

What about the obligatory golly burning as part of the kids entertainment?

Anonymous said...

'Dave and Mark show how easy it is to smuggle under-age girls into your hotel room.'

And then, 'Dave and Mark show how easy it is to deny any knowledge of their ever being any girls in the room despite their being video footage!'

Simon said...

I like this very much but it doesn't reflect reality ;)

In truth the entire TV schedule under a BNP goverment will be

18:55 National anthem
19:00 News with special emphasis on the leadersactivities and latest denouncements
20:00 Country dancing from Chippng Sodbury
22:00 Closedown (due to economic restrictions)