A message from His Porkiness...

A new technological breakthrough enables the viewer of an email or document to see it complete with all the changes that were made during its production. This breakthrough reveals far more about the creator of these documents than was ever intended.

After hours of work, the technicians at the gigantic, hi-tech LU campus had a breakthrough with the most recent begging letter from Nick 'Grabber' Griffin, the leader of the BNP. Here is the email, complete with deletions:

You sad twat Fellow Patriot

I'm delighted to inform you of my latest scam a very special invitation now open to you: the British National Party 'LIFE MEMBERSHIP' offer.

This con honour is being extended to absolutely anyone who is stupid enough to fall for it a carefully selected group of British citizens, morons stalwart BNP members like you, and I would like to be the first to personally congratulate you for being among that special chosen group of losers people.

Please give this permanent daily weekly 'once in a lifetime' opportunity your careful consideration. The reason is simple. I want your money. We need people like YOU!

We need suckers who are easily parted from their readies patriotic people from all walks of life, people who are not afraid to stand up for this country and our British heritage. We need cash people who are proud to honour the memory of all those brave men and women who, down through the turbulent centuries, have given their lives so we could live free.

You can help build my second home in Croatia a strong British National Party by accepting Jim Dowson's my personal invitation to become a LIFE MEMBER...TODAY!

Despite the tremendous amount of money I am making at the European Parliament progress we have made this year, we are still skint not strong enough to make a full assault on the corridors of power at Westminster, and if you think you're getting your hands on my dosh, you can fuck off but soon we will be.

By accepting my invitation to sign up for the exclusive LIFE MEMBERSHIP OFFER, you will be providing the readies strength and security I want the party needs to make me as rich as I deserve to be go forward to the next level in British politics in defence of this land and our people.

We have set the fee for LIFE MEMBERSHIP at £1m £2000 £4.50 £500, but if you respond to this written invitation right away, you can take advantage of this offer for the same old price of special invitation price of £395. This though in fact there is NO reduction, suckers is a token of my deep appreciation for your loyalty and hard work for the party.

But there is more bad average good news for you. If you accept my invitation today - we can offload skiploads of old Excalibur crap on you you'll receive all the valuable benefits only available to LIFE MEMBERS, FREE!

• FREE poor quality, cheap, badly engraved imitation Mickey Mouse watch, (made in China).
• FREE exclusive SUCKER LIFE MEMBER pin badge to wear with shame and humiliation (made in Taiwan).
• FREE lifelong subscription to the tedious IDENTITY magazine 64pp. (worth 99p)
• FREE lifelong 'annual party reports' (if we can ever get them out in the year they're due).
• FREE prestigious LIFE MEMBER certificate faux parchment scroll for framing (made in Hong Kong).
• FREE absolutely appalling limited edition of a billion 8x10 signed portrait of Party Chairman Nick Griffin MEP to throw darts at.

You will also receive a cheap to produce highly desirable GOLD coloured embossed LIFE MEMBERSHIP card so you can show all the other suckers out there what a REALLY sad loser you are.

Simply by becoming a LIFE MEMBER, you will be facilitating my masturbatory fantasies of unbridled riches the hopes, prayers and aspirations of every true British citizen. It's a brilliant con-trick that Jim Dowson reckons you idiots are bound to fall for an honour and privilege I sincerely hope you accept losers.

Yours sincerely
Nick Griffin CEO MEP
BNP Ltd

Nick Griffin the mortgage broker? Just what precisely IS the BNP now?

What precisely is the BNP? Your guess is as good as ours but now it's rapidly becoming a money-grubbing national joke! First it was secondhand cars, then the fake church and union, then it was life insurance, swiftly followed by double-glazing and skip hire - though that's ignoring all the little bits and pieces on the way like the BNP's invisible though expensive bus and the radio station that never was - and now it has entered the (it hopes) lucrative mortgage market.

The British National Party, rapidly becoming the most financially-inept and patently desperate organisation in the known universe, has branched out into trying to flog you a mortgage for that dream home of yours - or rather to act as it planned to act with Albion Life - to sell you a mortgage via some other company and take a broker's fee for doing nothing except setting up a web site and finding the sucke - customers.

The BNP's new attempted rip-off, the quaintly-named Avocado (thick-skinned, slimy inside and with a heart of stone) Mortgages appears to be working through a company named David Boulton Mortgage Solutions who apparently have an office at 28 West Road, Bridgend, Mid Glamorgan, Wales, CF31 4HD.

Curiously, or perhaps not, this appears to be the same David Boulton of Financial Solutions Unlimited in Bridgend who was associated with the BNP's failed venture into life insurance, the laughably short-lived Albion Life. David Boulton appears to be a busy boy - he's also listed as David Boulton & J. Saunders (Mortgages), Victoria Chambers, 7 Dunraven Place, Bridgend, Vale Of Glamorgan, CF31 1JF, Tel: 01656 664006. Whether this is the same David Boulton is uncertain but it seems unlikely that a smallish place like Bridgend is awash with David Boultons, all involved in mortgages and/or financial advice.

Readers may recall that Albion Life made a very big thing of being involved with the British National Party, clearly hoping that supporters would sign up and leave their insurance to the party when they finally pegged it. Avocado though - obviously having learned a valuable lesson from its predecessor, doesn't mention the BNP at all, which might not actually be fraud as far as the law is concerned, but certainly seems like it.

Once again - following the process it used with Albion Life - the BNP tries to give the impression that it is Avocado who is doing all the work, when in fact it's the real broker, David Boulton (and possibly his business partners Craig Francis and Brian John Howcroft). In a section on the website headed 'Why Avocado?', the party/company gives us this incoherent nonsense;

'Avocado Mortgages can help power charge your finances, releasing equity tied up in your property or help get you on the first rung of the property ladder.

• To treat our customers fairly and with honesty and integrity in a courteous manner at all times.
• To offer our professional yet personal service to our customers in a speedy manner.
• To endeavour to recommend the most suitable lenders and products to satisfy customer needs, using the whole market place.
• To provide our customers with all the relevant information required during the process and to ensure that customers fully understand the information.
• To endeavour to make prompt contact with new clients to start our advice process as soon as possible, ensuring that the client is able to speak to an experienced advisor.'

Which rather gives the impression that it is Avocado doing the business and not someone else entirely.

David Boulton, or at least the David Boulton who was associated with Albion Life and is now associated with Avocado, doesn't seem to be too bothered about what the public thinks of his connections with the British National Party but one wonders about the building societies whose trademarks appear all over the Avocado site without, we suspect, a single permission being asked for, implied or granted. These include the following companies:

Cheltenham and Gloucester
Alliance and Leicester
Portman Building Society
Northern Rock
Abbey
Nationwide
Yorkshire Building Society
Scarborough Building Society
Norwich and Peterborough Building Society
Mutual Matters
Skipton Building Society

Well, we'll have to check that out with their head offices and see what they say. Feel free to find the Head Office address for each of them on the internet and complain with us...

But that's not all. Behind the Avocado Mortgages site, there is another one hiding away, also registered to Steve Blake, the registrant of the BNP site, Avocado, Albion Life, the Skip Hire Registry, the Christian Council of Britain and Brightahomes (double-glazing) - Avocado Finance. One wonders what plans are afoot for this fake company's future.

Quite what the BNP's next money-making venture will be who knows, but what's the betting it will be another one of Nick Griffin's rubbishy get rich quick schemes that'll not only fall at the first hurdle but end up costing the party a fortune, all paid for out of the membership money. Leadership challenges notwithstanding, you do have to wonder how long the membership will keep its patience with this simple-minded buffoon.

(Note: Thanks to Denise, who first spotted Avocado and passed the info along)