April 07, 2011

At Last! A Sure-Fire, Solid Gold, Guaranteed Election-Winning Strategy For Clive Jefferson!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while: Busy with the Day Job...

I don't mind telling you that I'm getting pretty worried by Clive Jefferson's radical new election strategy.

Early days yet, but so far the BNP have swept to victory, trailing clouds of glory, in a number of Parish Council seats.

Under Clive “The Kingmaker” Jefferson's Svengali-like guidance and deep understanding of the Dark Arts, his charges have finally taken the reins of power.

Me? I'm terrified.

Jefferson is vindicated. All those late nights and the months of hard work (how does he do it? Where on earth could he be getting his boundless energy from?) have paid off, and it finally looks as though we were wrong all along and the BNP are, indeed, safely on the road to power.

It's a simple strategy, to be sure, but devastating in its ruthless efficiency.

All the Candidate must do is stand in a seat – and here's the knack – where no-one else is standing.

Quite brilliant!

Not only that, but Jefferson can then write (or get a grown-up to do it for him) that the Candidate has “won” a seat in an “election”.

And the Faithful are loving it!

(I'd like to announce, at this stage, that I have just been elected, by a staggering majority of 100%, to the position of “Bloke Who Makes A Cup Of Tea For My Wife”. A solemn duty I pledge to carry out with diligence and pride.)

Roll on the May round of elections, and I fear the position could get even worse: All those BNP Candidates standing in Seats with no other Candidates standing are probably going to do very well indeed.

Of course, if there happen to be other Parties who have shown the ill-will, Machiavellian instinct and sheer pettiness to actually put themselves forward, the picture might not be quite so rosy.

In fact, given their record over the past couple of years, the BNP might not find things very rosy at all.

In my own Borough, Amber Valley in Derbyshire, they've mustered five Candidates. Nearby Heanor (next door to where the last couple of “Red White & Blue” hatefests have taken place) currently has two Borough Councillors - Lewis “The Boy” Allesbrook and Cliff “Creepy” Roper (as they're known by Council Staff). Neither of them are very effective, of course, and they cut a sorry sight at Council Meetings as they sit together in their own island of gloom, in turns ignored and derided by the other Councillors.

And they're hoping to be joined by others after May 5th, including Roper's wife, and the ghastly local White Supremacist, conspiracy theorist and hate blogger Maria Riley-Ward. This crew are concentrating their efforts on just two towns within the Borough – Alfreton and Ripley. Luckily, they've all got people from Real Parties standing against them, so they don't actually have a chance.

(I've just been elected, by an overwhelming majority, to the vital office of “Member In Charge Of Putting A Load In The Washing Machine”. I vow to live up to this signal honour by repaying fully the boundless trust placed upon my by my Electorate, and to check the temperature, because there are woollies in the pile...)

Of course, there's always the chance that, between now and Election Day, all of the other Candidates will either withdraw, change their allegiances, leave the country forever or meet with unfortunate accidents, in which event Jefferson can chalk up another series of stunning victories.

In fact, there's the distinct possibility that, between now and the next General Election, a series of catastrophes could befall anyone thinking of standing for any of the Real Parties, and Griffin could be handed the keys to Downing Street unopposed.

Which is, it so happens, the way he likes to do things anyway.

(I'm honoured to discover that I have been elected, by a massive landslide, to the esteemed position of “Man Who Puts The Wheelie Bin Out”. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my faithful Electorate, my hardworking Staff and the Returning Officer.)

In the Meantime, Chris Vanns finds himself as one of the Guardians of graffito'd bus shelters across Habergham Eves Parish.

Let's hope the power doesn't go to his head.


Anonymous said...

'EPPING FOREST: BNP fielding no candidates in election'


Anonymous said...

This was put on democracy forum months ago. You've maybe already seen it

Anonymous said...

One candidate elections would of course be the norm under a BNP government.

Not that they're ever going to get power because they'll never get over the inconvenience of most elections having more than one candidate currently - bummer for them, eh?

Anonymous said...

The Guardian is saying the BNP is standing only 4.3% fewer candidates this year. See

This seems optimistic given the numbers published so far. Has anyone done a complete count?

Anonymous said...

Check out the BNP's assembly election fundraiser - anyone believe that "Nis from Soeborg" (with his generous £10 donation) is on the UK electoral register? Perhaps the electoral commission would take an interest?

Sacha C said...

Andy, damn you for making a good Friday even better. By the way, have you been voted by an overwhelming majority to control the remote control for the tele-v at Minion Towers? Once you control the media, the world is yours!

Anonymous said...

Griffin must rue the day he clapped eyes on idiot Jefferscum, me, I think he is great. keep up the good work Clive.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

"All the Candidate must do is stand in a seat – and here's the knack – where no-one else is standing."

I have a better idea. Why don't all BNP members move to a deserted island in the Pacific and declare sovereignty? Then they would have their own country!