We at Lancaster Unity fully understand that things in your Party have now reached a state whereby you are wanting to tear yourselves apart as quickly and efficiently as possible.
In your haste to disappear into the abyss, however, we would ask that you spare a thought for us, whose task it has been to faithfully report your Party's internal tensions to the Nation (including your own Membership, with whom, it must be said, you have long been less-than-candid).
Could you find it within yourselves, in short, to JUST SLOW DOWN A LITTLE?
We operate on very limited resources at the best of times, and for your Party to choose this particular time – during holiday season and coinciding with unavoidable periods of illness for many of our Leading Writers – to self-destruct shows, if I may say, a total lack of consideration on your part.
Now, we aren't asking you to bury your differences and regroup (far from it!), but we would simply urge you to think of those who must report on such matters and place a daily limit on the sheer tonnage of new revelations of financial mismanagement, sexual impropriety, party corruption, dictatorial behaviour and general total civil war.
At the end of the day, your Party won't be any less moribund, and you'll at least feel a compensatory glow of satisfaction, safe in the knowledge that you've at least ensured the proper amount of gravitas has been afforded to every single sleazy, unpleasant and downright unpalatable revelation.
For example: To suspend a single Regional Organiser is one thing. That, of itself, is a newsworthy item that could be front page news, on L.U, for at least two days. To suspend 20 people or more at a time, though, is not simply foolish and unprofessional, it is also inconsiderate to the point of contempt to expect Denise (coping with a temporarily disabled shoulder), Ketlan (off sick), Atreus, John P, Antifascist and AndyMinion (a giggling simpleton) to give such news the gravitas it deserves.
It would help us immeasurably, for instance, if you could see your way clear to initiating a programme of “phased suspensions”, interspersed, perhaps (by way of injecting a little variety), with revelations of a financial and/or sexual nature.
The news of your Legal Officer casting himself (or being cast) into the Outer Darkness is a case in point: We at L.U would have savoured such news – under normal circumstances such news may have merited a small celebration and Anti-Fascists may have walked with a spring in our steps for a few days.
However, to have the news immediately superseded by clear evidence of Griffin attempting his own, typically cack-handed, spin on the affair, is little more than a cheap spoiler tactic. It does nothing for morale here at Unity Towers, and simply makes the BNP look even more like the rag-tag collection of clueless, congenitally lying amateurs than we took you for already.
To be fair, we don't wish to come across as churlish, we really don't. No-one could be happier than us that you have finally seen the light and decided that a spectacular self-immolation is the way to go.
We just wish we could sit back and enjoy your death spasms at a slightly more leisurely pace.
Thank you for your co-operation. Carry on.