Kidney Stones: A Doctor Explains.

Hello. I'm a Doctor. I've got a Degree and a Stethoscope and everything.

I'm going to talk to you today about Kidney Stones, or “Convenientus Excusii pro Courtius Adjournimentia” to give the little blighters their full, medical name.

These hard, painful concretions are often associated with imminent tasks of an unpleasant nature, say, for instance, an appointment with Officials from the Electoral Commission Accounts Department or an impending Court Date.

In cases such as this, it is typical that the Kidney Stones (or “Attemptus ut Pullus a Fastii Unus” to give the pesky things another medical name) will manifest themselves as late as just three days before the associated unpleasant duty.

I recently diagnosed a severe case of this phenomenon, known as “Ultimo Ditchius Excusii”, in a patient of mine who, to observe medical confidentiality, I shall refer to only as N*** G******.

Mr G******, a slightly overweight 51 year-old Fundraiser, came to me complaining of painful realisations that an upcoming court hearing was not going to go well for him. “Is there anything you can do, Doctor?”, he asked; “The realisations are really very painful and getting worse all the time!”

After a thorough examination of his Constitution, I concluded that Mr G****** was, indeed, going to be in for a very bad time and, this condition being highly contagious among the susceptible, might even spread to those of a similar disposition.

I prescribed a Doctor's Note (or “Gettus ex Incarceratio Gratis Cardus”) to present to the judge, and Mr G****** left my office a happy man.

Follow-up appointments have been made for any dates deemed inconvenient by the Court.

If this course of treatment is followed and everything goes to plan, Mr G****** is expected to make a full recovery by next Wednesday.