Conference Report: Chairman Vows To Make Party “Even Nastier”

Opening the Annual Conference in Leicester yesterday, the Party Chairman promised that they would strive, in the following year, to become “even more unpleasant”.

Speaking to a capacity audience of more than two dozen confused and misguidedly angry bigots, he addressed the issue of protests at military homecoming parades.

“We can no longer stand by and allow the likes of Anjem Choudary to hold the monopoly on offensive behaviour at these events: We will also begin making an appearance at homecoming parades to show the Nation that we, too, can be utterly arrogant tosspots who would happily exploit the sacrifice of these young men and women for our own shabby, political ends.”

He went on; “Is it fair that we in the Far Right, who have for so long been regarded as the very acme of small-minded petty bias and provincialism, should find ourselves crowded off the front pages by a bunch of wannabes? And non-white wannabes at that?”

To a tumultuous ripple of applause, the Chairman continued to outline his plans for the future direction of the Party.

“With stern determination, a doughty disregard for my own safety and with the aid of your generous donations, I shall personally lead, from my office in Brussels, a series of heroic confrontations against these people who think they can come over here and be every bit as appalling as us. With your support, your determination, your account numbers and your sort codes, I will ensure that we regain our rightful place as the very pinnacle of the nation's misguided dimwits.”

Going on, the Chairman blamed the Party's current misfortunes on complacency. “We – I - have become complacent. For too long, we in the Party have been regarded as the last word in nastiness and barely-sentient arseholery, and we have allowed ourselves to take our eyes – or eye – off the game. And now we find our previously unassailable position under threat from all directions. The English Defence League, for example, have even invited a controversial, truly vile American preacher – of a kind who makes our own Reverend West look merely like a fantasising charlatan with untraceable pseudo qualifications and a grasp of theology somewhere between Atilla the Hun and Father Dougal McGuire – to address one of their meetings, and have captured several front pages (and, no doubt, donations) that should be ours even though he will obviously be barred from entering the country! We may be useless, racist gobshites, but, by God, we're British useless, racist gobshites, dammit!”

“Where before I was merely creepy”, he concluded, “I shall strive to become utterly ghastly. Whereas before I was someone you wouldn't leave alone with a child, I pledge that – come next year – you wouldn't leave a diseased, erotomaniacal alligator in the same room with me. Whereas before I was merely a cheap crook, I solemnly vow that, over the next few months, I shall undergo a transformation into a conniving fraudster and plotter of such viciously low morals that I might even grow a pencil moustache, get gap teeth and start talking like Terry-Thomas!”

Following a collection, and a second collection, and a final collection “to enable us to find your car keys and return them to you...”, the meeting wound up with the Delegates joining the Committee in an impassioned rendition of the new Party Anthem, “You've Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two”.