And Now: The Made–Up News...

The Police have decided against charging John Prescott with threatening to kill Labour Party Leader Harriet Harman and Chief Fundraiser Jonathan Mendelson in the run – up to May's General Election.

Citing “lack of evidence”, even though a tape allegedly exists of Lord Prescott saying “I am going to kill you, Mr Mendelson, you bugger – and then I will kill Mrs Harman all to death. Aye. That I will.”, the CPS have issued a statement that the recording is inadmissable, given that it contains only clumsily edited excerpts of a longer tape intended for a listening audience of the particularly gullible, and not grown - ups who look at evidence for a living.

In other news, opponents of Leadership Contender David Miliband have released a video recording of the MP for South Shields supposedly discussing his intention to spend the night in a brothel. The recording, in which Chief Whip Nick Brown is heard repeatedly saying “So, you're going to visit this brothel, are you, David Miliband MP? You want to do all rude things with ladies with no blouses on and that, in the brothel, Mr Miliband? Do you?”, has been widely condemned as a transparent and insanely childish attempt at entrapment designed to wreck Miliband's chances in the upcoming contest.

Mrs Harman has already courted controversy by changing the Party's Constitution to demand that all who stand against her for the Leadership must first obtain the nominations of 20% of Labour Party Members of at least two year's standing; an estimated 20,000 signatures. A series of suspensions from the Party of influential Miliband Supporters have led to accusations of dictatorship and gerrymandering against the controversial Party Leader.

The further, disastrous attempt of Mrs Harman to garner headlines in May's election campaign by featuring the image of a Pukka Pie in the corner of an election webcast, and then attempting to deflect the inevitable legal action by blaming it on former Director of Election Communications Peter Mandelson has also led to accusations of Leadership incompetence.

Controversy has grown also about the state of the Labour Party's finances. Following their failure to submit annual accounts, yet again, to scrutiny by the Electoral Commission, rumours persist of financial irregularity on a massive scale, criminal mismanagement and Party Staff at Victoria Street going unpaid: The clear inference being that the Labour Party are insolvent and verging on bankruptcy.

Mrs Harman is currently on holiday, and unavailable for comment...

Do you see what I did there?

As the above fantasy illustrates, if even a fraction of the goings – on we've heard from the BNP over the last few months had happened to a REAL political party (take your pick which one), the Papers would be reporting little else. It would be getting wall to wall TV coverage and writer Peter Morgan would, even now, be rushing out a riveting screenplay based on the events to be filmed starring Michael Sheen (giving an uncanny impersonation of Harriet Harman).

The BNP Fora (benefit of a classical education, I'm afraid...) are currently buzzing with impassioned pleas to their Members to keep details of the infighting away from those outside the Party, on the basis that it's no – one's business but their own.

On the other hand, the BNP are forever banging on about how they are a “Legitimate and Respectable” political party. Indeed, they've taken to describing themselves, as “Britain's Fifth Largest Party” (mind you; after the Lib Dem's there's a pretty massive drop – off down to UKIP, and a further steep falling away to the Nazzers...).

Well, if you're going to be a Real Political Party and not, say, just a bunch of thugs, oddballs and disenfranchised racists, you have to expect to ACT like one. And there's no use in moaning about all the nasty people out there (i.e: Us and Just About Everyone Else in the Anglophone World With an Internet Connection) chuckling like contented babies when you bring disaster after preventable disaster upon yourselves.

When all of this is over and done with, there may still be a BNP and there may not. But whatever survives, under whatever leadership, they have left behind a catalogue of such breathtakingly crackbrained behaviour and the record of so many acts of idiocy, ineptitude and barely – concealed criminality that we will have ammunition, come Election Times, for years to come.