Just Imagine: A BNP Government...

Close your eyes (when you've finished reading this, if you don't mind-otherwise it's all a bit self-defeating) and imagine that the BNP actually get to form a government.

Look: I know it's a stretch, and would involve the biggest electoral earthquake in history (alongside a degree of mass hysteria unseen since Orson Welles thought people might see the joke if he pretended “The War of the Worlds” was real), but they keep banging on about how marvellous it'd be, so let's take them at their word and look at how things might turn out...

Of course, there's the initial problem of the Prime Minister: Griffin isn't exactly what you'd call a “Team Player”. In fact, he conducts himself most of the time like some debauched medieval duke; lying on a chaise longue with a bacon roll and dispensing largesse to his chosen few while casting others into the outer darkness on a whim, because they didn't bow low enough when they entered the throne room.

But let's just pretend he can keep the old megalomania in its box long enough to appoint a Cabinet.

First problem right there.

From where, exactly? Given that one of the prerequisites for Cabinet Minister has traditionally been a certain level of political acumen, intelligence and polish (yes-even from the likes of Michael Gove and John Prescott, though it sticks in the craw to admit...), and that the current reality of the upper echelons of the BNP is an ongoing cage-fight of lickspittles, criminals and semi-literate bootboys whose recent education would probably stretch about as far as reading “Bravo Two Zero” (if there was an edition with pictures), it's a stretch...

Ex-Nazi and convicted criminal Andrew Brons for Home Secretary, anyone? How about white supremacist suspected terrorist Arthur Kemp for the Foreign Office? He is foreign, after all...

(In fact, the Holy Grail of a leading BNP personality without embarrassing baggage will, I'm guessing, continue to elude the Master Race. Clive Jefferson? Highly suspect past activities and a functioning moron who, if he ever could learn to walk and chew gum at the same time would probably forget how to breathe. Patrick Harrington? The red tops would think all their birthdays had come at once. “Reverend” Robert West? Sad little fraud. Etc, etc, etc...)

Anyway. Let's say they're in power with a working majority and it's time to get down to work.

First things first: Immigration.

New Immigration ends immediately, and the Government set about deporting “all the two million plus who are here illegally”.

Given that the “two million plus” figure is from a Party that has a pretty casual relationship with figures, this seems unlikely – but let's give them the benefit of the doubt.

Call me naïve, but I'd guess that tracking down a couple of million people who don't want to be found, establishing their nationalities beyond the doubt of international law and arranging their deportation takes care of pretty much the entire State infrastructure for a few years.

Then, of course, we have the damage to relations with the rest of the world. No more immigration from India? Africa? America? Australia? Europe?

We aren't exactly going to be popular. Think of Britain as the bloke who grabs the mic' at Manumission and announces that he's putting the Birdy Song on.

Oh, and that reminds me: Europe.

We're pulling out.

This policy alone, taken in conjunction with our new stance on Immigration, pretty well guarantees the largest population influx into Britain ever seen.

It's estimated that more than four and a half million Brits live abroad. One and a half million in Europe.

Given that we're no longer a part of the European Club, let's say that a million are no longer eligible for settlement rights, and are asked to return to Blighty.

A substantial majority of the Returnees are going to be retired. and/or elderly. Fancy your chances of a hip replacement in the next six months now?

Add this to possibly another million or so turfed out of other countries and you've got something that amounts to a refugee issue of Third World proportions.

Although it might still be worth it just to hear BNP types droning on about “Bleedin' white Brits – comin' over 'ere takin' our houses an' jobs...”

(Oh, and my Son also points out that, under their immigration policy, Premiership Football would be dead boring...)

Having successfully alienated Britain from the rest of the World, Prime Minister Griffin can get on with the serious business of improving the quality of life at Home. Something he's admittedly rather good at. Well, improving his quality of life at his home, anyway.

The NHS. Simple: “Replace 100,000 NHS Bureaucrats with Doctors, Nurses and Dentists”. Obviously, we don't need to worry our pretty little heads about the implications for unemployment and the problems of recruiting these extra medical staff (we can't get them from abroad, remember...) but I've no doubt that Health Secretary Clive Jefferson will already have those pesky little details ironed out.

Law and Order: The reintroduction of both Corporal and Capital punishment is sure to be a vote winner with BNP voters. Until they get it wrong and start making mistakes, that is.

In fact, looking at their skimpy Manifesto entry on the subject, it's difficult to see what they have against the wilder fringes of Sharia law.

But there's more! A BNP Government will affect every aspect of the National Scene!

Education (back to the 1950's, basically), the Environment (back to 1950's sci-fi, largely), Housing, Defence and Industry will all benefit from that special BNP magic.

In their woeful “proving we're not just a single-issue party” attempt at a manifesto, there are other areas they fail to address entirely.

Transport: With Griffin's working knowledge of the mysteries of complex leasing arrangements surrounding vehicles, I'm sure making the trains run on time will be a doddle.

The Arts & Culture: No mention at all. I'd guess that Eric Pickles would be remembered as a model of generosity and civic philanthropy compared to the barbarians of Griffin's cabinet. (Although self-styled Artist, Filmmaker, Essayist and – in his own fetid imagination - all-round towering Knowledgenarian Jonathan Bowden would certainly make an – er - “entertaining” Minister...)

There are other “policies” that have been discussed in recent years that don't make their Manifesto, but would, no doubt, be called into play once in power to add to the general wellbeing of the Nation.

Like the wizard notion of putting pregnant teenagers under lock and key (in “uniforms”...) in special “homes” under the watchful eye of stern “matrons”. No-one's been allocated the responsibility of taking care of that one yet, but we're expecting Minister Patrick Harrington to volunteer at any moment.

Or the bold, radical initiative to solve the housing shortage at a stroke, employing the simple resource of thousands of second-hand caravans and hundreds of acres of wasteland.

Ideas? The exciting new BNP Government have certainly got 'em!

And as Britain recedes from the world scene and enters a new Golden Age of intolerance, poverty, oppression and ignorance, we can thank the Heavens that...

...thankfully, it'll never happen.