BNP wants to hang criminals live on TV – secret television schedule discovered on Welsh pig farm

6.00. Early Morning Noose: Catch up on all the important overnight hangings.

7.00. Good Morning Bigots: Presented by popular comedy duo Dave and Mark. This morning: Book cooking for beginners. KKKrafters KKKorner: Mark shows how to design BNP election leaflets using pictures of Italians and Americans. Romantics Rendevouz: Dave and Mark show how easy it is to smuggle under-age girls into your hotel room. Also includes Lee’s Legal Advice Surgery: today “Ten f*cking reasons why the BNP isn’t racist despite what the fuzzy-wuzzies say.” Tomorrow: “Why the moon landings, 9/11 attacks, 1066 and Simon Darby’s blog were faked by The Jews. It’s really f*cking creepy, man.” Friday: “What to do when you when you find yourself incarcerated in a padded cell.”

9.00. The Andrew Marr Show: Hard-hitting journalist Andrew Marr gets to the bottom of why BNP President For Life Nick Griffin is such a nice guy. “We’ve heard the stories,” says Andrew, “but how true is it that Mr Griffin likes little puppy dogs and will go out of his way to help a distressed sheep? We investigate!” Includes film of Nick Griffin tickling the tummy of a puppy dog and going out of his way to help a distressed sheep after saving the life of a cute little bunny rabbit while on his way to visit an orphanage.

10.00. The Jeremy Piles Show: “I’m not in MI5,” says Simon, but Dick Barnbrook is suspicious and demands a DNA test. Tomorrow: “I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic,” says Lee. Friday: “I am a paranoid schizophrenic,” says Lee.

11.00. Farming Today: A Welsh pig farmer shows you how to survive the recession by running your very own political party. “It’s the best thing I ever did,” says wily Nick, trousering a wad of notes. “I just send a few emails and the money comes rolling in. Fantastic!”

12.00. Angler’s KKKorner: Find out which members of the Advisory Council are sleeping with the fishes.

12.45. Lunchtime Noose. Find out which members of the Advisory Council are next.

1.00. The AntiKKKes Roadshow: Dust off that old Nazi memorabilia and bring it along for a valuation. You’ll be surprised how much that old letter expelling you from the BNP is worth!

2.00. Women’s Hour. Presented by Lynne Mozar and Marlene Guest. Today Lynne explains the various uses of the word “Paki”, while Marlene goes to Dachau to explore the roots of modern cosmetic dentistry.

3.00. CBNPTV – including: The Billy Brit Show (replaces The Sooty Show); followed by Blue Peter: Aunty Val and Uncle John show you how to make your very own working concentration camp out of a Corn Flake packet and an empty margerine tub. You’ll need plenty of glue for this, children. Next week Val and John show you how to make your very own cattle trucks so that you can transport your very own prisoners to your very own concentration camp on your very own home-made Death Railway, so have your scissors and double-sided sticky tape ready.

4.00. Record Breakers: Today, members of the Young BNP break the late Lily Allen’s records.

5.00. Nooseround.

5.15. Strange Hill: School-based drama. Last week a shocked Nick and Simmo discovered that one of their teachers had a black girlfriend and asked new boy Bob Cottage for help. This week, as the school rebuilding project gets underway, Nick and Simmo discover that their English teacher is both gay and Jewish and seek advice from first-formers Dave Copeland and Tony Cucumber.

6.00. Evening Noose - public hangings from around Britiain.

6.30. Regional Noose - public hangings from places of interest in your area. Includes local weather forecast.

7.00. History Today: In this edition we visit some of Britain’s best known graveyards to find out who’s been history since the BNP took power.

7.30. KKKoronation Street: All is not well in the Racist’s Return as Nick suspects Christian of plotting against him (violence and language caution).

8.00. Wild Down Under: Absorbing documentary from Australia all about wildlife in Sydney’s Sutherland Shire. Watch the desperate efforts of the Hodges Dingbat as it attempts to stuff 500 nuts into its pouch. Also features rare footage of the endangered Hanson’s Bigot.

8.30. World In Faction: Current affairs programme on the political life of Nick Griffin. Part 45: “The National Front Years: Disaster strikes” - Patrick Harrington joins the National Front.

9.00. Build A New Life In The Sun: Ahmed doesn’t want to leave his comfortable Oldham home, but some men with shaven heads try to persuade him otherwise. Will Ahmed choose sunny Pakistan or a rope around the neck?

10.00. Noose at Ten

10.30. Noosenight: Tonight, Kirsty Wark and Jeremy Paxman get theirs. Includes interview with a Very Important Benefits Claimant and Fake Trade Union Leader, plus a review of tomorrow’s noosepapers.

11.00. Spooks: Episode 643, “Those demmed blecks”. Arthur’s cunning plan to infiltrate his ex-wife into the antifascist movement has been rumbled. An angry Bep tells Arthur he should have remembered that email headers give the game away. Caution: contains very strong Serth Efricen eccents (subtitled).

12.00 Epilogue – presented by his Holiness the Archbishop of Holbeach, the Reverend West. Tonight, “Why God says it’s okay to hate darkies” Tomorrow: “Why God says it’s okay to hang antifascist bastards”. Friday: “Why God says it’s okay to love Odin but not darkies or antifascist bastards.” Next week: “Why Odin says ‘There is no God but if there was he would say it’s okay to hate darkies and hang antifascist bastards (and the scum who never voted for me in Norwich North)’.”

1.00. BNPTV Noose 24 - overnight hangings live from Hampstead Heath. Includes Market Report from the Hong Kong Stock Exchange.

Norfolk Unity